About 15 years ago, my ex-husband and I went on a beach weekend with one of my great friends and colleagues. She is a high school counselor with a background in caring for students who have experienced trauma, and she is herself no stranger to trauma. On our trip, she told us about her experience finding the body of her father after he hung himself in their garage. She was 16 years old when this happened, and she surprised us both by telling us that the very next day, she went to school as if nothing had happened. My ex-husband was taken aback, and he told her that she should not have done that, that she should have taken the time to grieve. Her response shocked him. What she said was this:
“You don’t get to decide how I deal with my grief.”
She went on to explain that, for her, what she needed was to maintain a semblance of normalcy, and that, for her, school was the normal that she needed. She needed curriculum, she needed her friends and teachers, she needed the rote physicality of moving from classroom to classroom and from teacher to teacher. I keep going back to these words and her experience during this lock-down and in the face of the militant dogma emerging from friends and colleagues online and in professional meetings. What does the stay at home order mean to my students? How is it affecting them, their lives, their psychology? And, more importantly, what can I do to help them decide how to deal with their own anxiety about the situation.
What I cannot abide in this situation, though, is telling the students - the way my colleagues are telling me nearly every meeting and every day - how they should be “meeting the moment” or how to emerge from their “fear zone”. Because I don’t get to decide how they deal with their anxiety, as my colleagues don’t get to decide how I deal with mine. What I can do is continue to offer a meaningful curriculum that keeps students engaged (because they genuinely want to learn, because there aren’t grades anymore) while still offering the different kinds of support that the students need: flexibility, freedom, and choice. My students have been very clear with me that this is what they need: for them it is not a daily “check-in” reminding them of their anxiety and the danger their family members face, or the fact that their family may have lost an income, or the uncle who has been diagnosed with COVID-19.
It is important that we consider our students’ needs, but it is also important that we don’t assume we know what those needs are. We don’t get to decide how our students deal with their anxiety, and we should absolutely not impose our own needs onto our students. Am I aware of and closely monitoring the students with parents who are doctors? Yes. I am aware of and closely monitoring the student whose mother has lost her income? Yes. Am I aware of and even more closely monitoring the student whose uncle is fighting the virus? Absolutely. But during this #HayatEveSigar (#lifefitshome) that is countrywide in Turkey, I am taking the lead of my students to guide them through this, to give them the normalcy that they have asked for, and to be flexible for all students in order to provide the time and the space they need to be comfortable and healthy.
“You don’t get to decide how I deal with my grief.”
She went on to explain that, for her, what she needed was to maintain a semblance of normalcy, and that, for her, school was the normal that she needed. She needed curriculum, she needed her friends and teachers, she needed the rote physicality of moving from classroom to classroom and from teacher to teacher. I keep going back to these words and her experience during this lock-down and in the face of the militant dogma emerging from friends and colleagues online and in professional meetings. What does the stay at home order mean to my students? How is it affecting them, their lives, their psychology? And, more importantly, what can I do to help them decide how to deal with their own anxiety about the situation.
What I cannot abide in this situation, though, is telling the students - the way my colleagues are telling me nearly every meeting and every day - how they should be “meeting the moment” or how to emerge from their “fear zone”. Because I don’t get to decide how they deal with their anxiety, as my colleagues don’t get to decide how I deal with mine. What I can do is continue to offer a meaningful curriculum that keeps students engaged (because they genuinely want to learn, because there aren’t grades anymore) while still offering the different kinds of support that the students need: flexibility, freedom, and choice. My students have been very clear with me that this is what they need: for them it is not a daily “check-in” reminding them of their anxiety and the danger their family members face, or the fact that their family may have lost an income, or the uncle who has been diagnosed with COVID-19.
It is important that we consider our students’ needs, but it is also important that we don’t assume we know what those needs are. We don’t get to decide how our students deal with their anxiety, and we should absolutely not impose our own needs onto our students. Am I aware of and closely monitoring the students with parents who are doctors? Yes. I am aware of and closely monitoring the student whose mother has lost her income? Yes. Am I aware of and even more closely monitoring the student whose uncle is fighting the virus? Absolutely. But during this #HayatEveSigar (#lifefitshome) that is countrywide in Turkey, I am taking the lead of my students to guide them through this, to give them the normalcy that they have asked for, and to be flexible for all students in order to provide the time and the space they need to be comfortable and healthy.